"Venus, goddess of love that you are/ Surely the things I ask/ Can't be too great a task..." -- from "Venus," by Frankie Avalon
The Transit of Venus went off without a hitch Tuesday, which must have been a blow to doomsday junkies, Internet end times experts and obese survivalists stockpiling bullets, seeds and anything containing high fructose corn syrup.
Like just about every blessed thing that has happened over the past decade or so, the rare sashay of Earth's flashy sister planet across the sun was somehow tied to the Mayan calendar, which - as any survivalist worthy of his XXXL wolf baying at the moon T-shirt knows - is the Facebook of the Apocalypse.
Many 2012 doomsayers predicted that the Transit would spawn earthquakes, volcanic eruptions and other natural disasters, but no such luck. The worst thing that happened Tuesday was a double episode of "America's Got Talent."
The Mayan calendar runs out on Dec. 21, 2012, which can only mean one thing: the History Channel has about six months of "original" programming left. It also means another anemic holiday shopping season, despite doomsday doorbusters at Boscov's. Everything must go!
If the world does end on Dec. 21, count on Scranton City Council to call a special meeting to blame Mayor Chris Doherty, who will be making the rounds at area banks trying to borrow another few million dollars at post-apocalyptic interest rates. No money down! No service charges! Pay nothing until the Second Coming!
Some restrictions apply.
Like reality, for instance, which just keeps getting more and more unreal in the Electric (Chair) City.
If you think the Mayan calendar is cause for alarm, take a look at the day planner Scranton is working with. By the end of this month, it will likely be unable to make payroll or put gasoline in its police, fire and DPW vehicles. The city owes its fuel supplier $208,000, and its credit is running on fumes.
Meanwhile, the public service unions have pledged that their members will work without pay, if it comes to that. A nice gesture, but it seems cruel to expect them to do it on foot.
You buy it; they break it
You get what you pay for, folks, an immutable fact Scranton taxpayers are finally learning the hard way. If you want more cops on the street, more firehouses open and your refuse removed, you have to pay higher taxes. Services cost money. If you want them, be prepared to pay more for them every year, just like bread, milk, eggs and cable.
Judging by the perpetual lines at the Comcast store at the Mall at Steamtown, city residents are much happier paying to watch "Law & Order" reruns than they are bankrolling actual cops on the street.
You also get what you vote for, like a mayor who has borrowed the city to the brink of ruin while being re-elected twice and a city council that seems to believe its only responsibility is to blame him for every ill since polio and demand that somebody do something about this mess.
How about a raise?
Two weeks ago, the city council supermajority took the bull by the horns and gored the city's already distended credit. The Unmitigated Disaster Formerly Known as the Scranton Parking Authority asked council to help it make a bond payment to avoid default. Council had the money set aside, but the supermajority saw an opportunity to teach a "lesson in fiscal responsibility," and refused to bail the authority out.
It did this even though the "full faith and credit and taxing power" of the city guarantees the authority's bonds. That means the city is ultimately on the hook for the debt. Council chose not to pay it. As a result, the last lender crazy enough to lend the city money pulled about $16 million in borrowing needed just to keep the lights on through December.
Then, as if to prove it had pole-vaulted the proverbial shark, the supermajority argued for a 67 percent pay raise for solicitor Boyd "Bombs Away" Hughes. The hike would have brought Mr. Hughes' annual salary to $75,000 for a part-time job. The mayor's salary is $50,000. The median household income in Scranton is about $39,000.
Mr. Hughes is a commanding presence, a burly but refined mix of Ernest Hemingway and "The Most Interesting Man in the World" from those Dos Equis beer commercials. But any council that tries to award a part-time solicitor a 67 percent pay raise as the city struggles to buy gasoline for its police cruisers and fire engines is simply not to be taken seriously. Sorry, Papa Bear.
Like driving off a cliff and slamming on the brakes in freefall, the supermajority backed off on both bad ideas on Thursday. The Hughes pay grab is exactly the kind of naked cronyism the supermajority promised to end, and payless paydays would hit the supermajority's core constituency - the city's unions - hardest. The supermajority passed a budget that relies on borrowing. Its kneecapping of the parking authority made borrowing impossible. It cut off the city's financial nose to spite Mr. Doherty's face.
Accountability
Not that the supermajority didn't have a point.
The SPA is a ticking time bomb of mismanagement and bad debt. Its incompetent board and administrators were hand-picked by Mr. Doherty. I actually gasped when I learned that SPA executive director Bob Scopelliti was being paid $83,200 a year and had an expense account.
His salary was cut Wednesday by 18 percent to $68,250, which seems awfully generous for the head of an authority that has amassed $100 million in debt and can't pay its bills. Again, the mayor's salary is $50,000. The median household income in Scranton is about $39,000.
Council asked for an accounting of the authority's finances, and what little Mr. Scopelliti produced was as useless as it was hard to read. In the private sector, his salary would have been cut by 100 percent.
The supermajority was wrong to harm the city's credit by refusing to make the bond payment, but it is right on the money to demand answers from the authority. Council should authorize the bond payment as soon as possible, but doing so should be contingent upon the authority coming clean on all accounts, including Mr. Scopelliti's expenses. He and every member of the authority board should concede in writing to a full accounting as a condition of making the payment.
Mr. Doherty should see to it that the authority provides such an accounting. He has had 11 years to right the city's ship. It is sinking faster than ever, mostly under the weight of his titanic borrowing. He clearly didn't expect to be at the helm of the U.S.S. Scranton when it finally capsized, but there he is on the bridge, firing futile flares and wishing he'd spent some of that money on lifeboats.
Mr. Doherty has discussed the city's crisis with Gov. Tom Corbett, R-Drillers, but don't expect much help from him unless the city reincorporates itself as Scranton Gas Extraction Partners for the Re-election of Tom Corbett LLC.
Meanwhile, the supermajority seems happy to see Scranton sink in red ink so long as Mr. Doherty drowns. It claims to be crafting an alternate recovery plan, but whatever council has cobbled together remains a well-kept secret even as the doomsday clock grinds down. The city has been officially distressed for 20 years. What is council waiting for?
On Thursday, the supermajority voted against even putting Mr. Doherty's recovery plan up for council review. A party with superior ideas has no need to suppress the ideas of its rivals. The supermajority has a choice to make: Get moving, or get out of the way.
The lone good news one can divine from this mess is that for Scranton, the apocalypse is definitely coming.
The bad news is that it probably won't make a damn bit of difference.
CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, isn't psychic, just paying attention. Contact the writer: kellysworld@timesshamrock.com