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Chris Kelly: The coal in city leaders’ stockings this Christmas will be well deserved

'Joy to the world, outside Scranton! / the judges saved the day!/ At least for now, let's celebrate!/ We can keep our hard-earned coin!/ We can keep our hard-earned coin!/ We can ke-eep, can ke-ee-eep our hard-earned coin!'

Virginia O'Hanlon was 8 years old in 1897 when she wrote to the New York Sun to ask if Santa Claus is real. Veteran reporter Francis Pharcellus Church's response is history's most reprinted newspaper editorial, and a Christmas treasure that still shines 115 yuletides later. Read it at http://www.newseum.org/yesvir ginia/

Imagine how Virginia O'Hanlon's sweetly innocent query might read if it were written by Scranton Mayor Chris Doherty and city council President Janet Evans after learning that their desperate wish for a commuter tax was denied in Lackawanna County Court less than a week before Christmas...

"DEAR EDITOR: My name is Christopher, and I am 54 years old. My new best friend Janet is 56. On Wednesday, three mean Lackawanna County Court judges told us there is no Santa Claus, even though we had just seen him at the Mall at Steamtown. Santa said we were too big to sit on his lap, and when we asked him for a few million dollars, he let out a belly laugh that shook the food court. Then he hopped in his sleigh and headed for the Abingtons. One of his elves said Everything Natural is having a sale on organic reindeer oats.

Please tell us the truth: Is there a Santa Claus?

CHRISTOPHER DOHERTY,

340 N. WASHINGTON AVE., SCRANTON

DEAR CHRISTOPHER: Of course there is a Santa Claus! Just ask the 22,655 commuters who work in Scranton. Christmas came a week early for them. What you and your friend Janet seem to have forgotten is that Santa rewards good little boys and girls, and you and Janet, along with being alleged grown-ups, have been much more naughty than nice this year.

Shall we consult Santa's list?

You spent the first part of the year fighting and throwing spitballs at each other. Then you suddenly decided you were soulmates and cobbled together a budget everyone knew was bad fiction. Santa is no fan of fibbers, especially those who insist they're telling the truth even when they've been caught telling tall tales.

He sees you when you're scheming, he knows when you're a fake.

So do the people you somehow expect to help you get your ramshackle house in order. Most commuters would be happy to contribute more than they already do - especially during this festive season - if you agreed (in notarized writing) to change your wasteful ways. Also, referring to the people who drive your economy as "freeloaders" whose contributions to the city are less appreciated than ugly sweaters and irregular underwear is no way to inspire charity.

When you need help, asking nicely and offering concessions of your own always works better than naked extortion. Your approach so far is like knocking on your neighbor's door and saying, "I bought a house I can't afford, and I've been hosting wildly expensive parties and passing out fabulous door prizes for decades, but I'm tapped out. Who saw that coming, right? Anyhoo, since you get the pleasure of gazing upon my House of Cards and the occasional use of my sidewalk, it's only fair that you pitch in."

Uh, no thanks, which is the same response you can expect from city nonprofits as long as you vilify them as ravenous bloodsuckers bleeding the city tax base dry. At your age, you really should be beyond trick-or-treating. Soaping the windows of scarce economic drivers like the University of Scranton is no way to promote a sense of shared purpose.

Neither is walking into a court of law and treating three longtime judges like hapless rubes in black robes. You and your enablers at the Pennsylvania Economy League have spent more than 20 years and millions of dollars to get your figures straight, and yet you were somehow unprepared to provide the court with hard numbers. Where did all that time and money go?

Wherever it all went, it's gone, and since most of the money was borrowed, Scranton taxpayers will be saddled with debt for decades. If you're looking for the perfect stocking stuffer for cabinet members and PEL consultants, may I suggest motivational desk calendars and calculators?

Since Rudolph was a mere twinkle in Blitzen's eye, children all over the world have understood that Santa Claus does not reward bad behavior.

Good kids get toys and sweets; bad kids get lumps of coal. Like money, you can burn coal to keep warm for a while, but when it's reduced to ash, there's nothing left but you and the cold, hard night.

So yes, Christopher, there is a Santa Claus, and he will be visiting Scranton on Christmas Eve. If I were you and Janet, I'd lay low until he's out of town.

CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, and the staff and families of Times-Shamrock Communications, wish you and yours a safe, happy hoilday season. Contact the writer: kellysworld@timesshamrock.com


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