"Don't be in a party. Be a party." - Robbie Novak, 9-year-old third-grader also known as "Kid President"
This afternoon, two NFL head coaches will deliver pep talks to overgrown men who are paid millions of dollars to play a game they learned to love as boys. For the players (even kickers and punters), today presents an opportunity to realize the backyard fantasies of their youth.
And to be paid nearly $15,000 an hour, even if they lose by three touchdowns.
On top of their multimillion-dollar salaries, Super Bowl winners are paid $88,000 per player; losers get $44,000. For one game. The average Pennsylvanian earns less than $30,000 per year. Wal-Mart had a great deal on Tostitos this week. Most of us could afford something to dip them in.
When he addresses his players, John Harbaugh, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, will preach defense, ball control, field position, self-discipline and the divine truth that God Himself wants Ray Lewis to have a second Super Bowl ring.
Jim Harbaugh, head coach of the San Francisco 49ers (and John's brother), will sermonize on defense, ball control, field position, self-discipline and the obvious heresy of Ray Lewis winning a second Super Bowl ring. If God was really pulling for Ray, He would never have created Colin Kaepernick.
Most of the rest of the country will eat, drink and bet too much on the Super Bowl. The minority will be left to argue the quality of the commercials and whether Beyonce lip-synched the national anthem, then drive the drunks home and scrub the wing sauce and salsa out of the carpet.
Kickoff is at 6:30 p.m. Between now and then, I suggest you keep stirring the chili but take a minute to visit kidpresident.com, where you will find a pep talk neither coach in today's game could rival. It was delivered by a 9-year-old third-grader from Tennessee who, for reasons that will be obvious after you've watched the video, is much more entertaining and inspiring than any Super Bowl (and I would say that even if My Steelers didn't suck this year).
A transcript of Kid President Robbie Novak's latest video:
"I think we all need a pep talk. The world needs you, so stop being boring. Yeah, you! Boring is easy. Everybody can be boring. ... Life is not a game, people. Life isn't a cereal, either. Well, it is a cereal. And if life is a game, aren't we all on the same team? I mean really, right? I'm on your team; you're on my team. This is life, people! You got air coming through your nose.You got a heartbeat. That means it's time to do something.
"A poem: 'Two roads diverged in the woodsâ¦and I took the road less traveled.' And it hurt, man! Really bad! Rocks! Thorns! Glass! Not cool, Robert Frost! But what if there really were two paths? I want the one that leads to awesome! It's like that dude, Journey, said: 'Don't Stop Believin.' Unless your dream is stupid. Then you should get a better dream. I think that's how it goes. Get a better dream and keep going, keep going, keep going and keep going.
"What if Michael Jordan had quit? Well he didn't quit; he retired. Yes, he retired. Before that, in high school, what if he quit and didn't make the team? He would have never made 'Space Jam,' and I love 'Space Jam.' What would be your 'Space Jam?' What will you create to make the world awesome? Nothing, if you keep sitting there. That's why I'm talking to you today. This is your time. This is my time. It's our time, if we can make every day better for each other. If we're all in the same team, let's start acting like it! We've got work to do! We can cry about it or dance about it.
"We were made to be awesome! Let's get out there! I don't know everything, I'm just a kid. But I know this: It's everybody's duty to give the world a reason to dance! So get to it. You've just been pep-talked! Create something that will make the world awesome! Play ball!"
I won't pretend to comprehend the mind of God Himself, but I can say with confidence that He doesn't give a damn who wins the Super Bowl. I'm just as sure that He wouldn't have created a 9-year-old Kid President who didn't have something to say that we all needed to hear.
CHRIS KELLY, The Times-Tribune columnist, predicts a 27-24 Baltimore win, and a Robbie Novak presidency in 2038.
Contact the writer: kellysworld@timesshamrock.com