Editor's Note: Chris Kelly is a staunch supporter of the Second Amendment, but after perusing the far right's unhinged responses to President Barack Obama's reasonable gun control proposals, he can't help exercising his First Amendment right to take aim at easy targets. Today's column is written from the perspective of what passes for a patriot these days...
Deer president Barack HUSSEIN Obama,
I usually don't write letters, especially to Kenyan Socialist Muslim Dictators, but your recommendations for new gun control laws got me SO MAD I COULDN'T EVEN READ THEM!!!
THANK GOD AND BABY JESUS I didn't have to. From what FOX News, Rush, Beck, Savage and the rest of the TRUE AMERICA-LOVING MEDIA said about your proposals, it's clear you want to TAKE EVERY AMERICAN PATRIOT'S GUNS, DECLARE MARTIAL LAW AND FORCE US ALL TO WORSHIP ALLAH!!!
Once you have robbed us of our GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO SELF-DEFENSE, you can give our homes to the welfare moochers and force our kids to wear their pants around their ankles and get gay married.
Well, NOT ON MY WATCH!!! I will NEVER SUBMIT TO SUCH TYRANNY!!!
Neither would the FOUNDING FATHERS, who beat the best-trained, best-funded, most lethal army of their time with inaccurate, single-shot muskets, crude cannons and guerilla tactics.
They didn't have assault rifles and 100-round drums of armor-piercing ammunition. They couldn't mow down columns of redcoats in a matter of seconds simply by squeezing a trigger.
The British didn't have an Air Force, countless armored vehicles, bombs and missiles capable of leveling mountains, digital satellite communication and unmanned Predator drones capable of killing with pinpoint accuracy from 10,000 feet in the clouds. As Commander-In-Thief, you have all these resources at your disposal, but be warned: My home arsenal is not to be sniffed at.
DON'T TREAD ON ME!!!
Look, it's sad that all those kids got killed at Sandy Hook. I'll give you that. It's a terrible tragedy and something should be done, as long as it doesn't affect PATRIOTS LIKE ME in any way.
Why should I suffer because some crazy fool murders 20 kids and their teachers?
The guy was A TOTAL NUTCASE!!!
Let's get down to brass tacks. If you really want to keep students safe, at least one school district in my area has the right idea, FOR A CHANGE!!! Towanda Area is considering arming its teachers, which SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE YEARS AGO, ALL ACROSS AMERICA THE BEAUTIFUL!!!
You probably think that's a bad idea for all kinds of stupid, socialist reasons. You probably wonder what insurance company would ever cover a school district with armed English, Phys. Ed and Home Ec teachers. And who is liable if a teacher accidently shoots one of the kids, or if one of the kids forgets to take one of his many medications and decides to grab the teacher's gun and shoot up the class?
Two words: Miss Battle. She was my eighth-grade math teacher, and the meanest woman I've ever known. If all teachers were as tough as Ms. Battle, and heavily armed, no kid would dare try to get the drop on her.
If Miss Battle had been properly armed when I was in her class, I might not be writing this letter, and she might not have died alone in an asylum for insane old maids.
But what if one troubled kid got hooked on the demonic, anti-American ideas of John Lennon, Joe Strummer or Piers Morgan (all BRITISH LIBERALS, by the way), and lashed out with a weapon? DUH! YOU ARM ALL THE STUDENTS!!! That way, if one loser starts shooting, the normal, patriotic kids can take him out.
And anyone who gets caught in the crossfire would be covered by... OBAMACARE!!! HAH! BET YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING!!!
The logic is so simple, I don't understand why everyone doesn't get it. I was listening to Rush the other day, and he said something no PATRIOTIC, GOD-FEARING, GUN-LOVING AMERICAN could possibly disagree with:
"You know how to stop abortion?" he asked. "Require that each one occur with a gun (Rush really said this)."
Makes perfect sense to me! Now carry the logic a step further:
If every fetus was armed, THERE WOULD BE NO ABORTION!!!
I don't expect such commonsense problem-solving to appeal to a president who so obviously hates the nation he was elected to serve, but I AM A PATRIOT!!!
You and all the mealy-mouthed liberals in the drive-by media and down at the Department of Motor Vehicles and the small legion of so-called Responsible Gun Owners who dare to say that the NRA has become nothing more than a subsidiary of the gun industry are SHAMELESS TRAITORS!!!
YOU SHOULD ALL BE HUNG!!! AND THEN SHOT!!!
FAIR WARNING, MR. DICTATOR-IN-CHIEF: Go ahead and send the best-trained, best-funded, most lethal military of our time into my suburban jungle, BUT BE READY FOR A FIGHT!!!
The boys and I have been practicing in the woods with the owner of the best local paintball course, and he says we remind him of his platoon in Vietnam.
All those patriots died defending my right to own an assault rifle and a magazine large enough so I don't have to reload at the shooting range or when the welfare zombies swarm the house crazed with a thirst for RED AMERICAN BLOOD!!! The boys and I are READY TO DEFEND OUR CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS !!!
If you and your imperial stooges want to take my new Bushmaster ACR (see it at http://www.bushmas ter.com/acr/default.asp#/intro), you'll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
CHRIS KELLY, the Times-Tribune columnist, shoots from the lip.
Contact the writer: kellysworld@ timesshamrock.com