DEAR J.T. & DALE: My supervisor has been singling me out for abuse. He is young, bright and experienced, but he flies into rages, yelling at me in front of co-workers and taking offense when none is intended. I believe he suffers feelings of inadequacy and fears that I'm smarter, better-looking and better-educated. I love my work and want to stay. Should I try the nuclear option, telling him that I know he feels threatened by me? - Claire
J.T.: I don't think confronting your manager is the solution. Simply put, you are a business-of-one, and your boss is the customer. Being confrontational could result in your losing your customer.
DALE: There are plenty of powermad jerks in management, and dealing with them is an important skill. However, what has me concerned is that you are "singled out" for this maltreatment. Your response to his abuse - concluding that your fabulousness is threatening - makes me worry that you are unconsciously provoking him.
J.T.: I once worked with a man who also felt that his boss was threatened by him. I was asked to observe their interaction in a team meeting. As the manager conducted the meeting, the other employees were nodding and smiling and making suggestions, but my client sat stoic, with arms folded and a scowl on his face. When the manager asked him for input, he simply said, "Whatever you want," at which point the manager became visibly agitated. After the meeting, the employee said to me: "See! I agree with him, and he just gets mad!" To which I said, "I'd be mad at you, too." I explained that he was radiating disinterest and disrespect, despite his words. I wonder, Claire, if you could unknowingly be doing something similar?
DALE: Instead of confronting your boss, try asking. Ask him what you could do differently to gain his trust and encouragement. Then follow his suggestions, and after a week or two go back to him and ask how you're doing. This puts the two of you on the same side and thus turns an enemy into an ally. Whether that works or not, you need to continually add new allies.
Your job isn't just your work; you need to learn and grow, and if your boss isn't helping you, find mentors and keep evolving anyway.
J.T.: Yes, you'll need allies, because your boss is unlikely to change, and if you two can't improve the situation, he may solve his problem by replacing you. You need to make sure you have plenty of other "customers" ready to take on your services.
Put in a good word
Dear J.T. & DALE: I responded to a posting for a position and was contacted by the supervisor. After two weeks, I called to get an update. She tried to tell me that she really needed to give the job to someone who is already in the system. I told her my qualifications, and she made a note of them and said she would call me. I have a friend in a leadership position in the same institution; should I have my friend email the supervisor about me? (They do not know each other.) - Teresa
DALE: Whenever you apply for a posted job, assume that there are lots of other applicants and thus, getting an offer is a long shot. This leads to the mind-set of "What have I got to lose?"
So, yes, ask your friend to send an email. Better yet, ask your friend to go over and introduce herself to the hiring manager and hand her a copy of your resume. Will this be seen as interfering in the hiring process? Yes! ... In a good way. Hiring managers want to hire the person with the best odds of success, and having a friend vouch for you helps the hiring manager make a better decision.
J.T.: I agree: It never hurts to ask other people to put in a good word on your behalf. Further, see if your contact can determine what was meant by "in the system." The more information you can gather about how the company makes hiring decisions, the better you can market yourself for this job and for future openings.
JEANINE "J.T." TANNER O'DONNELL is a professional development specialist and the founder of the consulting firm jtodonnell. DALE DAUTEN resolves employment and other business disputes as a mediator with AgreementHouse.com. com. Please visit them at jtanddale.com, where you can send questions via email, or write to them in care of King Features Syndicate, 300 W. 57th St., 15th Floor, New York, NY 10019.