Editor's note: The following dispatch upholds a longtime Times-Shamrock tradition.
CHRISTMAS TOWN - The usually festive mood in this tiny town at the top of the world was notably subdued this morning as word spread that Santa had disappeared.
At a hastily arranged press conference outside Santa's Workshop, Chief Spokeself Greta Poinsettia made an announcement that rocked the North Pole like a late-winter blizzard of 10-ton sugarplums.
"There is no delicate way to say this, but Santa may not be able to make his trek around the world tonight," Greta said, drawing gasps from concerned townsfolk who had heard the rumor but didn't want to believe it was true.
"Contrary to early reports, he hasn't disappeared," interrupted Greta's older sister, Loretta Poinsettia, who also claims the title of Santa's chief spokeself. "Well, not all of him, anyway. Just the jiggly parts have vanished. He still has his beard and a twinkle in his eye, but - "
"He's too light to pilot his sleigh!" Greta blurted out.
"We weren't supposed to say WHY Santa can't fly tonight!" Loretta snapped. "As usual, you've ruined everything by trying to steal my thunder! Well, know that the elf's out of the stocking, we might as well tell the rest."
"As first reported by Timmy Tinsel months ago, Santa has given up that nasty old pipe he used to puff," Greta chimed in. "Smoking is really bad, and Santa doesn't want any kids trying it. He's a role model, you know."
"After he quit smoking, he started eating - a lot," Loretta said. He especially craved candy canes and gum drops, which he ate by the bushel. Ice cream, too. Peppermint, of course!"
"Santa ate and ate and ate," Greta continued. "He had always jiggled like a bowl full of jelly, but all that extra eating turned him into a real flabalanche! Mrs. Claus was worried, so she put Santa on a diet and made him go running every morning with Rudolph."
"Pretty soon, Santa started to lose weight," Loretta explained. "Unfortunately, he lost too much, which is why we called this press conference. Are there any questions? Yes, Timmy Tinsel?"
"Aside from his suit being really baggy, why can't a skinny Santa fly just as well as a chubby one?" this reporter asked.
Loretta introduced Chief Sleigh Mechanic Harry Hollyberry, who explained that the reindeer, combined with the extra power generated by the Believe-O-Meter, would never be able to control their speed and navigation, even with Rudolph's nose lighting the way.
"Without Santa's normal weight in the sleigh, the reindeer could fly off into outer space, and all the presents would float away," Harry said to a chorus of gasps that was repeated as a slim and trim Santa entered the room.
"Good morning, everyone!" the jolly old elf said. "Thank you for coming! As my spokeselves have explained, we have a bit of a problem. If I'm too skinny to steer my sleigh, Christmas will be ruined for millions of children. We can't have that. I need ideas, and I need them now. Some candy canes would be nice, too, but don't tell Mrs. Claus."
"Excuse me, Santa, but if the issue is weight, it seems to me that there's a simple solution," this reporter said.
"Timmy Tinsel, I knew I could count on you! What's your idea?"
"More toys."
"More toys?"
"Yep. Think about it. The more toys, the heavier the sleigh. Just load up the sleigh with tons of extra toys!"
"Tinsel, that's brilliant!" Santa boomed. "Harry Hollyberry, round up the elves and let's get loading!
As the elves packed Santa's sleigh with all the toys it could possibly hold, President Barack Obama issued Special Executive Order 12/24, which put the nation on red and green alert and grants Santa special clearance in American airspace until Christmas morning. Starting at 5 p.m. today, you can track Santa's progress at www.thetimes-tribune.com.
As he lifted off, Santa said his first stop would be Northeast Pennsylvania. He told Rudolph to set a course for the lighted tower high atop the Times-Tribune building in Scranton.
"That tower is really an antenna that generates Christmas spirit," Santa said. "I always feel more jolly when I see it. Ho-ho-ho!"
As of 6 a.m., air traffic controllers at Wilkes-Barre/Scranton International Airport said they hadn't picked up any sign of Santa's sleigh, but they reported a huge spike in Christmas spirit throughout the region.
"You can just feel it in the air," said a controller who declined to be identified for security reasons. "Santa is on his way. We've been notified that he's coming here first, so we advise the children of Northeastern Pennsylvania to get to bed early, and no peeking. If you see a skinny guy in a baggy red suit lugging the biggest bag of toys in Christmas history, better pretend you're asleep."
TIMMY TINSEL, Times-Tribune North Pole Bureau Chief, is actually CHRIS KELLY, but don't tell him.